Emma's story marks Transgender Day of Visibility

Emma’s Story

I grew up in a generation where homosexuality was not spoken of and gender dysphoria was unknown. My parents were very conservative and formal and I was brought up in a very black and white world. My childhood was a confusing period during which I felt out of place amongst my male peers yet unwanted by the girls. This continued into secondary school and the only way I felt part of a group was with the ‘bad’ kids, getting into trouble and earning myself a few strokes of the cane, detention and the wrath of my father in the process.

When I left school, I began an apprenticeship at Post Office Telecommunications, a cohort in London Southwest of 180 young men. Again, I felt out of the company of the other apprentices and resorted to abusing alcohol to ease my unhappiness. I’d already had thoughts that I should be female but there was no information or resources which I could refer to for advice. Society at the time was still very ‘men are the strong macho types’ and in an effort to conform, I married relatively young (23?). It wasn’t a happy marriage and I quickly realised that it was a mistake, thankfully she left me after 7 years. By that time I had a house but was alone. Being alone was very hard (and still is) and I quickly married again. I was still abusing alcohol – a family trait as my father and two of my brothers were alcoholics. We had three children but I was still in doubt as to where I really belonged in society.

I became involved in a very strict Baptist church, extremely binary, forcing myself to conform to the teachings of the bible and thus silencing any doubts about my gender. I did stop drinking though, which was a positive outcome.

Fifteen years ago, we emigrated to Australia, joining HCN on the RoStar Support Team in Corporate Business Systems. My efforts to supress my dysphoria were weakening and I began to break away from the church, researching on the internet, Facebook etc what was meant by ‘Transgender’ and whether I fell into this category. Eight years ago, I accepted that I was most likely transgender but felt unable to talk to anyone, least of all my family. I had no LGBT friends and couldn’t contemplate how I would ever be able to live as I truly was, accepting that it would be my secret until my dying day.

Living a lie was very hard and had an enormous toll on my mental and physical health. I suffered from acute anxiety and depression, and my marriage started to go downhill. Despite accepting that I could never come out, I could no longer hide my true self and began to wear softer colours, added a few piercings and polished my nails. Thinking that no-one was noticing, I became more bold, growing my hair and buying more effeminate clothes. My family began to make comments, but I just shrugged them off until comments were made at work and I felt that I was being forced to come out earlier than I’d wanted or dreamed of.

Eventually, I had to admit to my family and my colleagues that I was transgender. My (ex-)wife wanted nothing to do with me, however at work, through a couple of LGBT workmates, I had made contact with a fantastic HR Consultant who helped me no end. They researched other companies’ transgender policies (HSS at the time had no formal policy) and they helped me to build the courage to transition.

I came out in 2017, and my anxiety and depression was easing. I was surprised that those who I thought would tease and ridicule me were actually very accepting. My team was fantastic and I really felt that I was living as who I really was for the first time in 50+ years : Emma

I would say that for the very most part, colleagues have treated me with respect and have acknowledged my new name and pronouns. I’m extremely grateful to them for doing so and for their support. I feel safe working in HSS and that is down to my workmates, my management and the work culture and ethic which HSS has nurtured. Sadly, there are still some who refuse to acknowledge my true existence which is really hurtful (more than they could ever realise) but I see this as a deficiency on their part, not mine.

Outside the workplace however, it has been a lot harder. Transitioning late has meant that there are many attributes that ‘give me away’; my voice, Adam’s apple, height and facial features. These have set me up as an easy target for ridicule and name calling. People stare and point, kids laugh at me, some people yell out obscenities and try to take photographs to share with their mates. It is extremely hurtful and if I’m in company, unpleasant for my friends, but I have learnt to hold my head up, smile (or pout!) and slay them with my kindness. On the positive side though, I often receive warm smiles and compliments, youngsters stop and talk to me or talk about my crazy fashion sense, my piercings and my tattoos and that is a wonderful feeling.

Being transgender (and the same applies to being gay or any other spectrum of the LGBTQIA+ community) is not a choice. Trust me, no-one would choose to go through the torment, the anguish, family rejection or risk of violence that can arise. I don’t see myself as being anything special, we are not heroic, we are not special, we are not better than anyone, we are simply fellow humans living our lives to the best of our ability. Please treat us as you would any of your friends, your siblings, your children, your parents or your workmates.

I’ve lived with anxiety and depression for most of my life (and still do) and had foolishly assumed that this would disappear once I had transitioned. Sadly (and with hindsight I know now) that this is still present and that I have to learn how to live with it. It’s not easy but now that I’m not living a lie, acknowledging who I really am has enabled me to find some truly amazing friends, both in an out of the workplace. These friends are my new family and I love them dearly – I should add that my children accept me now and that is amazing too.

My advice to anyone questioning their gender and/or sexual identity is to try and learn to accept and love yourself first. This can be hard, believe me, but its only when you can do this that you can move forward. If you can, talk to your family, your parents, or your children but I acknowledge that this isn’t always possible. If you have genuine friends that you can trust, talk to them or a favourite teacher or youth leader.

There are also some wonderful groups that can also help, The Freedom Centre (www.freedom.org.au) is a fantastic resource based in Leederville, Rainbow Community House (www.rainbowch.org) in North Perth, Living Proud (www.livingproud.org.au) and QLife (www.qlife.org.au) are also some incredible places where young adults can find a safe place and supportive counselling.

If you are a parent of a child who is questioning their identity, whilst at first you may feel shocked, angry, scared or confused, please support your child, listen to them, talk with them, not at them. They will be quite possibly be as scared, angry and confused as you might be. Be there for them and help them in every way, they need your support. For parents and families there is PFLAG (www.pflagwa.org.au) who offer help and advice to parents, family and friends on how to support their LGBT loved ones.